If you didn't watch Africa last night, then the following will serve only as an enraptured report of a place you'll think I've made up. It was incredible. Africa is INCREDIBLE. Who knew? Well maybe you already did know, but in my mind (when I think of Africa) it goes like this: 'Sahara desert. The Sun. The Lion King. Is Kenya the capital of Africa? So where is Jamaica then?' And that's about IT. Until last night...
Darling David Attenborough - is there anything in this WORLD more wonderful than a new series courtesy of our national Grandpa? His lovely soft voice, his witty narration, the way he shows us splendid things we had no clue existed until he told us. He's wonderful. I certainly hope that while the BBC are sending him on these phenomenal expeditions, they are simulataneously working out how to make him never die.
So on to Africa then and what did we see? Well, as Frozen Planet was the strong leader in the category 'David's programmes that are very COLD', this is a magificent cousin from the opposite category - 'HOT'.
Africa is very hot. Very very hot indeed. And there is no water and nothing to eat. All the animals that live there spend the whole time dragging through the heat-wavey, dusty air searching for water and food. Occasionally they encounter each other and then it's just marvelous.
Highlights included:
Giraffes
I had no idea giraffes behaved like this. Filmed in the style of a Cowboy and Western, an Old Bull is challenged for potential courtship of a lovely lady giraffe by a younger, cockier giraffe who swaggers over and tries a bit of funny business. 'Hey Old man, why dontcha hit the road? This town ain't big enough....etc.'
They size each other up and then...they just start whacking the absolute spots off each other with their necks! Great, thunderous whacks! Plus horns! And dirty tactics like going for each other's legs (out of order) and undercarriage! I always thought those long necks were just for gentle reaching of leaves out of tall trees, or peering over high fences and I thought those horns were like little tufts of furr! But no. Giraffes have kick ass necks made of IRON for smashing the hell out of other giraffes. Needless to say, Old Bull won and that cocky youngster got his just desserts. Take THAT! WHACK.
Crickets
If you want to have nightmares forever, then this is the section for you. Giant crickets the size of chickens, with enough antennae to broadcast Sky News and enough legs to....ummm....win a football match against a millipede? Anyway, they were nightmarish to look at and their special move is to climb trees with their big, strong arms and snatch baby birds out of nests. Arrrrrghhhh. HORROR. Any crickets that fall from the tree with a giant CRASH get gobbled up by their cricket friends. Totally frightening but utterly amazing all the same.
Rhinos
The most cumbersome, prehistoric looking animals we've got. Notoriously grumpy and disinclined to share their water with anyone. Not with the desperate, parched animals who've walked 5000 miles in the burning sun to get there or even with each other. However, by David's magical 'starlight camera' we saw that at night, these typically grouchy animals are very affectionate, sociable and loving. Sharing water, snuggling each others' noses and all sorts. One comment on Twitter read, 'Grumpy by day, affectionate and sociable by night? Rhinos are total lesbians!'.
A highlight was a courtship scene where a challenger arrived with antelope horns stuck to his nose. Even David was baffled at how this had happened, but it did the trick because the lady rhino picked him. Ladies do love a bit of creativity.
Golden Cartwheel Spider
Finally, a story to make the chicken-crickets look like teddy bears. A mummy wasp in the desert looks for moisture to lay her eggs. Fine - seems reasonable. But wait...she decides in this endlessly arid landscape, the best course of action is to lay them INSIDE A SPIDER. Dear Lord. Never in all of creation has this been the best course of action. NO mummy wasp. What are you thinking? Are you out of your MIND? But she's determined unfortunately. She duly digs a spider up from his sandy hovel and when he appears, he's as horrifying as you would imagine. Pale and strange with lots of eyes. However, when the spider gets wind of what mummy wasp is planning, quite understandably he takes off! Cartwheeling down the sand dune like a shooting star! - It's like one of those moments when you're crying so much with terror that you start laughing. Brilliant.
BRILLIANT. Well done David. Well done animals. And well done Africa. Can't wait for next week.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Goodbye 2012, you rocked.
BOOM. Weeeeeeeee. CRACKLE. ShhhhhhhhhhPOP... BANG. Ooooooh.
Happy new year everyone! Did you watch the fireworks? I did because I stayed in last night as usual.
I really feel that New Year's Eve is an underage teenager's game. Who wants to spend £50 getting into a Wetherspoons and then be barraged around by drunk, tall, teenagers shouting Auld Lang Syne into your face? Ugh, no thank you.
Mr B. and I had a lovely evening by the fire sipping champagne, eating steak and watching TV until I decided it was time to start the dancing and cranked MTV to Vol. 65 (I know - that's pretty wild even for an NYE). As I whirled dangerously near the fire, shouting 'YES George (Michael)! YES', poor Mr B. (who'd had significantly less to drink, spent the latter part of the evening looking disapprovingly up at me from the sofa until at 12.30 he announced he was off to bed, leaving me and the Christmas tree swaying to Dead or Alive's 'You Spin Me Round'. A total NYE success if you ask me. Those teenagers can keep their precious Wetherspoons.
So 2012 was great wasn't it? That's the consensus. Don't we seem notably more sentimental about saying goodbye to 2012 than we have to most of his forefathers? Usually we're like, 'See you later 2001 (booted into the canal) or 'So long 1945, you sucked (pitched over the pier). Splash. But 2012...we're all 'Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..' and lovingly releasing it, like a Chinese lantern over a calm sea as we wipe away a tear. But why?
Don't panic - I know why and I'm afraid it's mainly down to two major, national events: The Queen's Diamond Jubilee and the London 2012 Olympic Games.
The Jubilee was essentially the Queen, sailing down the Thames, in the rain as Londoners cheered her on. And the Olympics was sportsmen and women winning medals. On the surface, this sounds pretty rubbish. And some people probably thought it was. But those people missed the point. What was really going on was that these events gave us that elusive, wonderful feeling of 'we're all in this thing together'.
Feeling 'together' usually happens on a smaller scale. You can go to a concert and shout 'YES George!' with a crowd of other people. Or go to a football match and shout at other people across a park. But these are just pockets. It's unusual for the whole nation to climb aboard the Jubilee barge and sing 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go' together - but in 2012, that is (metaphorically) what happened.
We watched the events on TV, we read about them in the paper, we made snide little jokes from our sofas, we chatted at work, with our friends, wherever - For once, we had something tangible in common other than 1. The endlessly dreary weather or 2. Blaming someone for something. We were a nation, we actually felt like a nation and it was good.
Wasn't it nice to have something else to say to the hairdresser? 'Did you see the Queen on that barge? Did you hear the Duke's in hospital now after all that rain on his head? He should have been wearing a hood. Who's fault was it?' - OK the weather and the finger of blame usually slip in there somehow, but at least it had a memorable context for once. We like to feel together because it spurs us on. In a world of fear where we're defined more by our differences than our similarities, these moments are pure treasure and here's to much more of it.
What will 2013 bring? A scorching summer (PLEASE)? A royal baby? That'll get us going. Let's just hope next NYE is more of the 'Chinese lantern' variety than 'shopping trolley of rubbish in the river'.
Happy new year to all and I hope 2013 is good to us. In the immortal words of beloved George, 'Bad boys, Stick together, Never sad boys'. YES George. Bloody yes.
Happy new year everyone! Did you watch the fireworks? I did because I stayed in last night as usual.
I really feel that New Year's Eve is an underage teenager's game. Who wants to spend £50 getting into a Wetherspoons and then be barraged around by drunk, tall, teenagers shouting Auld Lang Syne into your face? Ugh, no thank you.
Mr B. and I had a lovely evening by the fire sipping champagne, eating steak and watching TV until I decided it was time to start the dancing and cranked MTV to Vol. 65 (I know - that's pretty wild even for an NYE). As I whirled dangerously near the fire, shouting 'YES George (Michael)! YES', poor Mr B. (who'd had significantly less to drink, spent the latter part of the evening looking disapprovingly up at me from the sofa until at 12.30 he announced he was off to bed, leaving me and the Christmas tree swaying to Dead or Alive's 'You Spin Me Round'. A total NYE success if you ask me. Those teenagers can keep their precious Wetherspoons.
So 2012 was great wasn't it? That's the consensus. Don't we seem notably more sentimental about saying goodbye to 2012 than we have to most of his forefathers? Usually we're like, 'See you later 2001 (booted into the canal) or 'So long 1945, you sucked (pitched over the pier). Splash. But 2012...we're all 'Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..' and lovingly releasing it, like a Chinese lantern over a calm sea as we wipe away a tear. But why?
Don't panic - I know why and I'm afraid it's mainly down to two major, national events: The Queen's Diamond Jubilee and the London 2012 Olympic Games.
The Jubilee was essentially the Queen, sailing down the Thames, in the rain as Londoners cheered her on. And the Olympics was sportsmen and women winning medals. On the surface, this sounds pretty rubbish. And some people probably thought it was. But those people missed the point. What was really going on was that these events gave us that elusive, wonderful feeling of 'we're all in this thing together'.
Feeling 'together' usually happens on a smaller scale. You can go to a concert and shout 'YES George!' with a crowd of other people. Or go to a football match and shout at other people across a park. But these are just pockets. It's unusual for the whole nation to climb aboard the Jubilee barge and sing 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go' together - but in 2012, that is (metaphorically) what happened.
We watched the events on TV, we read about them in the paper, we made snide little jokes from our sofas, we chatted at work, with our friends, wherever - For once, we had something tangible in common other than 1. The endlessly dreary weather or 2. Blaming someone for something. We were a nation, we actually felt like a nation and it was good.
Wasn't it nice to have something else to say to the hairdresser? 'Did you see the Queen on that barge? Did you hear the Duke's in hospital now after all that rain on his head? He should have been wearing a hood. Who's fault was it?' - OK the weather and the finger of blame usually slip in there somehow, but at least it had a memorable context for once. We like to feel together because it spurs us on. In a world of fear where we're defined more by our differences than our similarities, these moments are pure treasure and here's to much more of it.
What will 2013 bring? A scorching summer (PLEASE)? A royal baby? That'll get us going. Let's just hope next NYE is more of the 'Chinese lantern' variety than 'shopping trolley of rubbish in the river'.
Happy new year to all and I hope 2013 is good to us. In the immortal words of beloved George, 'Bad boys, Stick together, Never sad boys'. YES George. Bloody yes.
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