If you didn't watch Africa last night, then the following will serve only as an enraptured report of a place you'll think I've made up. It was incredible. Africa is INCREDIBLE. Who knew? Well maybe you already did know, but in my mind (when I think of Africa) it goes like this: 'Sahara desert. The Sun. The Lion King. Is Kenya the capital of Africa? So where is Jamaica then?' And that's about IT. Until last night...
Darling David Attenborough - is there anything in this WORLD more wonderful than a new series courtesy of our national Grandpa? His lovely soft voice, his witty narration, the way he shows us splendid things we had no clue existed until he told us. He's wonderful. I certainly hope that while the BBC are sending him on these phenomenal expeditions, they are simulataneously working out how to make him never die.
So on to Africa then and what did we see? Well, as Frozen Planet was the strong leader in the category 'David's programmes that are very COLD', this is a magificent cousin from the opposite category - 'HOT'.
Africa is very hot. Very very hot indeed. And there is no water and nothing to eat. All the animals that live there spend the whole time dragging through the heat-wavey, dusty air searching for water and food. Occasionally they encounter each other and then it's just marvelous.
Highlights included:
Giraffes
I had no idea giraffes behaved like this. Filmed in the style of a Cowboy and Western, an Old Bull is challenged for potential courtship of a lovely lady giraffe by a younger, cockier giraffe who swaggers over and tries a bit of funny business. 'Hey Old man, why dontcha hit the road? This town ain't big enough....etc.'
They size each other up and then...they just start whacking the absolute spots off each other with their necks! Great, thunderous whacks! Plus horns! And dirty tactics like going for each other's legs (out of order) and undercarriage! I always thought those long necks were just for gentle reaching of leaves out of tall trees, or peering over high fences and I thought those horns were like little tufts of furr! But no. Giraffes have kick ass necks made of IRON for smashing the hell out of other giraffes. Needless to say, Old Bull won and that cocky youngster got his just desserts. Take THAT! WHACK.
Crickets
If you want to have nightmares forever, then this is the section for you. Giant crickets the size of chickens, with enough antennae to broadcast Sky News and enough legs to....ummm....win a football match against a millipede? Anyway, they were nightmarish to look at and their special move is to climb trees with their big, strong arms and snatch baby birds out of nests. Arrrrrghhhh. HORROR. Any crickets that fall from the tree with a giant CRASH get gobbled up by their cricket friends. Totally frightening but utterly amazing all the same.
Rhinos
The most cumbersome, prehistoric looking animals we've got. Notoriously grumpy and disinclined to share their water with anyone. Not with the desperate, parched animals who've walked 5000 miles in the burning sun to get there or even with each other. However, by David's magical 'starlight camera' we saw that at night, these typically grouchy animals are very affectionate, sociable and loving. Sharing water, snuggling each others' noses and all sorts. One comment on Twitter read, 'Grumpy by day, affectionate and sociable by night? Rhinos are total lesbians!'.
A highlight was a courtship scene where a challenger arrived with antelope horns stuck to his nose. Even David was baffled at how this had happened, but it did the trick because the lady rhino picked him. Ladies do love a bit of creativity.
Golden Cartwheel Spider
Finally, a story to make the chicken-crickets look like teddy bears. A mummy wasp in the desert looks for moisture to lay her eggs. Fine - seems reasonable. But wait...she decides in this endlessly arid landscape, the best course of action is to lay them INSIDE A SPIDER. Dear Lord. Never in all of creation has this been the best course of action. NO mummy wasp. What are you thinking? Are you out of your MIND? But she's determined unfortunately. She duly digs a spider up from his sandy hovel and when he appears, he's as horrifying as you would imagine. Pale and strange with lots of eyes. However, when the spider gets wind of what mummy wasp is planning, quite understandably he takes off! Cartwheeling down the sand dune like a shooting star! - It's like one of those moments when you're crying so much with terror that you start laughing. Brilliant.
BRILLIANT. Well done David. Well done animals. And well done Africa. Can't wait for next week.
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