Alice Through the Looking Glass

Amy Winehouse, last orders please. PLEASE
Amy Winehouse is wasted again? Umm, yeah so? Well this time she’s not trotting her horrifying, bloodied ballet pumps around Camden, but is instead flinging them around a stage in Belgrade, whist simultaneously slurring her way through Back to Black and trying to keep her beehived head from lolling off. Fans were charged up to £30 each to watch the wreckage of poor Amy’s life be spread out across the stage like a transparent board of evidence on Crimewatch. ‘Here we have Amy’s liver and beehive, a discarded ballet pump and a Grammy award which appears to have been used to mainline heroin into her knuckles. Now over to Rav!’ Poor Amy though. Joking aside, we want you to get better. Maybe have an orange squash instead? Just try it?

R.I P Ryan Dunn
Ryan Dunn from Jackass has attempted a Back to the Future style manoeuvre and driven his Porsche 911 at 130 mph into a hedge on the way home from a night out. Unfortunately for Ryan, and for his friend Zachary, instead of reappearing from the hedge in the year 1955, he has died instead.  Not really funny. Again, joking aside, Back to the Future was just a movie Ryan. Maybe get a cab home next time? Ryan...? Oh...

That’s What You Get For Waking Up In Vegas
Call the Police! The horrible prison guard from The Green Mile has married a 16 year old child-woman in Vegas and has ‘set up home with her in the Hollywood Hills’. Let’s hope she doesn’t suffer the same fate as poor Mr Jingles the prison mouse! The blushing bride is Courtney Alexis Stodden, aspiring singer and brains behind the lyrics ‘I will not be responsible for your lover’s attraction, I will not be a victim of your aggressive reaction’ – crikey. If only poor Mr Jingles had been so good with rhymes, he mightn’t have got stomped on. Oh well, according to Courtney’s mentally unwell father...what? Oh sorry. According to Courtney’s FATHER, ‘Doug is the nicest man’ he’s ‘ever met in his life’ and ‘every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter’... Oh dear. Oh deary deary me. Well, congratulations to the bride and groom. Sadly, Doug will be dead before Courtney is old enough to watch The Green Mile so hopefully she’ll never have to realise the true horror of who she’s married until it’s all over.

Glastonbury
It’s Glastonbury. Glastonbury! Wooo!! Mud and bands! And a tent! Yeaaaah! I know I’m probably the only one, but... I wouldn’t go to Glastonbury if you PAID me. Not even if you BEGGED. Oh sure it’s got Beyonce. I suppose I could be tempted out of the car for 20 minutes to pay homage to the great Mrs Z. If it was raining, I’d at least wind down the window to bop along to ‘Single Ladies’ and maybe ‘If I were a Boooooy!’ But that’s as far as it would go I’m afraid. After that it would be car door slamming and mud flying off my tyres as I got out of there as fast as possible and back home to my clean bed and toilet, that I know no one can push over while I’m in there. That’s a worry that you just do not need in the bathroom. The only other act I’ve even heard of this year is Tinie Tempah. I thought he only had that one song? That’ll be a short set in the old triangle tent, or whatever it’s called.  Oh well, if you’re going, have a nice time. I think I'll leave it to the cool kids.