Not the Hosepipes!

Today, many of us woke up to the shock news headline that England has fallen into the raspy clutches of drought! Not a surprise drought!? Have mercy! Somehow overnight, drought has gripped its hot, papery hands around us, squeezing out every last drop of water and leaving us throughly parched and rather anxious.
In spite of the fact that it rained all day yesterday, the useless reservoirs seem to have inexplicably failed to capture any water at all and now we’re right up the creek. Or we would be, if there were any water. We’re just sort of on the bank, peering miserably at our failing crops and turning our teary eyes to the sky in confusion and horror.

To make things even more dramatic, it seems that now even heath fires have broken out! Actual fires! On the heath! We’ll show you Australia! Who needs 40 degree nights and a million acres of kindling?! Give us a fairly milky, warm spring and some luscious Dorset hills and we’ll show you a real blaze! Sources do say, however, that ‘some youths’ were spotted ‘running from the scene’ - probably clutching some matches and a copy of Bear Grylls ‘Born Survivor’ - so the jury’s out on this one for the moment.

So why is England so dramatic? It doesn’t take much to get the news wheels turning these days. Yes of course it’s bad if there’s not enough water and in some dry corners of the globe, this is obviously a very serious, life endangering issue. But come on seriously? Who cares if we Brits can’t use our hosepipes? How many of us even have hosepipes? All I’ve ever used a hosepipe for is a carefree, childhood water fight. ‘Seven year olds dismayed by sweeping water fight ban shock’. ‘Conservatory cleaning dips dangerously as hosepipe supply cut off’. Come on now. Let’s get some perspective.
Luckily at least someone is keeping their head. The BBC news team have suggested some useful tips to help us all through this difficult time:

• Wash your car using a bucket (yeah right – if it was really that bad they’d just say ‘don’t wash your car’ surely? We’re not falling for that)
• Reuse your bath water on your garden and plants (Hey, just because your crops have failed, doesn’t mean I’m going to start drenching my herb garden in Radox)
• Keep a jug of water in the fridge instead of running the tap (What?? That’s the same?)
• Don’t let water waste while you're waiting to get into the shower (ok MUM)

I do have sympathy for farmers though. It must be very disappointing when your crops shrivel up and die. In Northern Europe the wheat growers are apparently having a terrible time and prices of pasta and cereal are consequently set to rocket through the roof of Sainsbury’s and right out of our reach! If this happens no doubt panic will again ensue.

On a more positive note, Scotland has had three times the normal amount of spring rain. Does this seem suspicious to anyone else? While we’re sobbing into our empty cereal bowls and frenziedly throwing our bath water out of the window and onto the car, the Scots are relaxing in their paddling pools and ordering linguine with haggis for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Send some rain down here you selfish Scots! Send some rain or else we’ll set our youths on you like a fire on a Dorset heath. And that’s a threat.