Top Tips for Summer

Summer has arrived! Yes we know not officially as it’s not June 21^st quite yet (bore off you Shakespearean stone-hengers) For all intents and purposes, summer is HERE and at long last the terrible ‘should I take my coat?’ is over for a whole, glorious season. Here are a few top tips to make sure you get the most out of the next few months:

1. Keep it covered up: As your old friend the sun beamed through your curtains this morning, you won’t have been the only one who woke up and immediately burst into tears in front of the wardrobe. Let’s face it – it is now far too late to begin your summer diet. The body you have is the one you’re stuck with for the summer and that’s that. Make a note for next year and move on. Luckily for the girls, this year it’s all about the maxi dress (Thank you Ms Wintour). Almost anyone can look good in a maxi so if you’re feeling a bit fat, these are by far your best bet. To the boys, there’s never much you can do summer-fashion wise, but at least please keep your tops on in the street ok? Traveller-chic is not a look that anyone should be aiming for. Remember, just because you regret your own tattoos, doesn’t mean everyone else has to regret them too. Cover it up. Just cover it all up for crying out loud.
2. Avoid the pub garden: 5p.m. You hear whoops, laughter and clinking glasses outside and someone suggests an after-work spritzer. ‘How delightful!’, you think. Suddenly, even the most objectionable of workmates become appealing prospects with whom to share a pitcher of Pimms. ‘Richard’s not so bad’, you think. ‘He even looks quite sweet in his short-sleeved, summer-shirt from M&S. And Tanya’s being positively hilarious today!’. But be warned. The sunshine has impaired your judgement. A few hours later and you’re in a dark, pub garden. Your coat hangs warmly in your wardrobe as you shiver against Richard’s itchy, M&S arm. It’s Tuesday and you have to be up in 6 hours, what were you thinking?! You hate Richard! Tanya’s a moron! You zigzag home cursing your stupidity.
3. Holidays: Don’t peak too early with these. Don’t be darned foolish and head to Cyprus in early June, come back all lovely and relaxed, and then spend the rest of the summer watching everyone else pack up their bucket and spade and hit the road, leaving you to cover for them while your tan flakes off all over your desk and the bitterness in your heart cements into a cold stone of misery. Ugh. No siree. Wait as long as you possibly can. Wait until they’re all back from their smug little tripettes and then off you go on August 20^th, bang! No one will be expecting it! They’ll blink after you in bewilderment as you march out of there in a cloud of sand and maxi dresses. Plus, when you get back, you’ll be the only one with a tan. WIN.
4. 4. Hayfever: AtchoO! I really do feel sorry for you hay fever suffers. I am not a fellow sufferer. But if it makes you feel less angry with me, I am allergic to cats. So though you’re spluttering and itching your way through the summer while I may shove my nose, carefree, into a freshly mown lawn, just think, in the winter when you’re cuddled up to your cat, I am all alone with only pictures of other people’s cats... *breaks into sobs*. Anyway, I digress. In case you didn’t already know these tips, and who the hell am I to tell you right? Apparently local honey is very good? Or putting Vaseline under your nose? No? Oh well. Screw you and your cat, I’m off outside to do some breathing. You can’t have everything.
5. 5. Sunbathing: Whether you’re squinting up at your book on a sandy beach, or sipping lemonade under a parasol in your back garden, being in and around the sunshine is one of life’s most pleasurable things. However, we’ve ruined it for ourselves now apparently by our reckless treatment of the Ozone. We’re sorry! We never knew! Don’t sell us the damn aerosols then duh!? As children we all drew nice pictures of the sun, smiling down on nice houses, with pictures of ourselves smiling and holding hands with stick men, BUT the sun is in fact not smiling at all and, as we grow to learn to our horror, is in fact a ball of indescribable fire. Sorry to spoil your fun... ok I’ll try and lighten up. Just make sure you put your sun cream on is all I’m saying. And maybe switch to roll on deodorant.