If I was stranded on a desert island and I was only allowed one th....No wait, let me rephrase this *cough* OK, if I was deserted in a kitchen on a desert island and could hope to find only one thing in the island’s solitary cupboard, what would I want to find? Well I shall tell you. I would look for MUSTARD. Deliciously wonderful Whole Grain Mustard. If, shipwrecked and alone, I staggered out of the waves and blinking in the sun, began scrambling for other items from my wrecked vessel I wouldn't be grabbing for things to make shelter. My eyes wouldn’t be desperately scanning the horizon for a ship. I wouldn’t be rolling the corpses of my dead shipmates over in the water and screaming up at the sky in horror. No. I would be searching the waves for a bobbing screw top lid and below it, a nice full jar of the good stuff.
I happen to have cooked dinner every night this week *scowls at husband* and though it’s been very tiring, (a woman’s choices are never easy), I’ve realised something. I put wholegrain mustard into EVERYTHING. What would make this chicken soup taste better? Mustard. Pasta? Mustard. Casserole? Try a bit of mustard in it, that’ll pep it up. Mustard has magical cooking qualities and I’m obsessed with it. Not in a creepy, ‘think about it and cover my body in it’ way you understand? Only in a sensible and healthy appreciation of it kind of a way. Let me explain.
Chico Marx famously said, (ok, it’s not that famous...I had to Google ‘mustard quotes’ pretty extensively) but he said, ‘mustard’s no good without roast beef’. Well he should’ve taken a leaf out of his brother Harpo’s book and kept his trap shut if you ask me. Poor, dumb Harpo was probably the mustard fan of the family and could only look on in muted horror as his brother made these terrible proclamations. Chics has obviously never tasted my mustard mash, because if he had, he would know that mustard adds a delicious piquance to even the most tedious of potato, and while I do agree that it is very good with roast beef, that is only one of its many complimentary companions. Incidentally, Chico Marx also controversially said ‘mint? No. I no like a mint’. Well I have NEVER been so.... *solemnly dedicates life to discrediting Chico Marx quotes*. Anyway, back to the mustard.
Now some say, that mustard destroys the original flavour of the dish and that using it is like covering everything in mayonnaise or ketchup *gags*. How dare you!? Believe me, mustard is much more than just a condiment, it’s an ingredient. It should be moved far away from these most inferior of cupboard sisters and promoted to the highest possible shelf. Well, not quite as high as those bloody show-offs: sugar and sprinkles - It would be wasted up there and they’d have nothing to talk about. ‘Oh look at me mustard! Look at my silver ball-bearings and see how I rattle!’ 'Yeah good for you. Now please be quiet so I can have a minute of peace'. No. Mustard should be firmly at the front of the herbs and spices shelf. The centre piece of the display. Along with the snazzy smoked paprika and ‘herbs de Provence’ oooh la la! If suddenly called upon to perform a Sleeping Beauty/Mary Poppins-style song and dance number, creating a dish without any human interaction at all, I would expect mustard to be the lead singer. ‘A spoon full of mustard helps the onions go brown, the chicken soup not froooown, best casserole in town!’ *thanks rhyming dictionary*.
Please get up and go immediately to the kitchen to promote your mustard. It’s the unsung hero of the kitchen and deserves your respect. Next time you’re cooking something, just try it? Add a little mustard and let the wholegrain work its magic.
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